[ the gwg | fanfics | The Tale of Sir Quatre the Chaste ]

The Tale of Sir Quatre the Chaste

With apologies to Monty Python!

Sir Quatre, making his way through deep forest in the middle of a terrible thunderstorm, comes upon a dark, tall castle. At the top of the tower glows a stunning image of the Holy Grail. A wolf howls. He struggles to the door of the castle, upon which, while standing in the pouring rain, he bangs with his armored glove.

Quatre: *banging on the door* Open the door! Open the door! In the name of Queen Relena, open the door!

The door creaks open, and Quatre falls onto the stone floor of the castle. Looking up, he sees the faces of three young women dressed all in white.

Women: Hello! Hello! Hello!

Dorothy: Welcome, gentle Sir Knight, to the Castle Cinq!

Quatre: The Castle Cinq?

Dorothy: Yes. *disapointed sigh* It's not a very good name, is it? Oh, But ~we~ are nice! And we will attend to your every, ~every~ need!

Quatre: You are the keepers of the Holy Grail?

Dorothy: The what?

Quatre: The Grail. It is here?

Dorothy: Oh, but you are tired, and you must rest a while! Midget! Creeper!

Other women: Yes, Dorothy!

Dorothy: Prepare a bed for our guest.

Girls: Yes, Dorothy! Thank you, Dorothy! Thank you, Dorothy! Oh, thank you!

Dorothy: Away, Away, vile etessence! *to Quatre* The beds here are warm and soft. And very, very big!

Quatre: Well, look, I..I, uh...

Dorothy: What is your name, handsome knight?

Quatre: Sir Quatre. The Chaste.

Dorothy: Mine is Dorothy. Just Dorothy. Oh, but come! *trys to pull him upstairs*

Quatre: No please! In God's name, show me the Grail!

Dorothy: Oh, you have suffered much! You are delirious!

Quatre: No, look, I have seen it! It is here, it-

Dorothy: Sir Quatre! You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality!

Quatre: *pauses* Well, I...I, uh.... *looks at his feet, fingers edge of his shield*

Dorothy: *pulls him upstairs* Oh, I'm afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but 8 score young blondes and brunettes, all between 16 and 19-and-a-half, cut off in this castle with no one to protect us! Oh, it is a lonely life. Bathing, dressing, undressing, knitting exciting underwear. We are just not used to handsome knights! *she pushes him down on a bed and he tries to get up* Nay, nay, come, come! You may lie here. *pushes him back down* *sees the blood on his armor* Oh! But you are wounded!

Quatre: No, no. It's nothing!

Dorothy: Oh, you must see the doctors immediately! *he tries to get up and she pushes him back down* No, no, please! Lie down. *she claps her hands twice and two young Girls come in*

Piglet: Well, what seems to be the trouble?

Quatre: *incredulous* They're DOCTORS?

Dorothy: Uh, they have a basic medical training, yes. *Quatre tries to get up yet again, and she pushes him back down on the bed* Oh, come, come, you must try to rest. Doctor Piglet, Doctor Winston; practice your art. *she leaves*

The two Girls sit on the bed and relieve Quatre of his shield, which he's been holding in front of him during the whole incident.

Winston: Now, try to relax.

Quatre: Are you sure that's absolutely necessary?

Piglet: We ~must~ examine you. *lifts up a flap of his kilt*

Quatre: There's nothing wrong with ~that~!

Winston: Please! We ~are~ doctors.

They begin to proceed with the examination when a metallic "bong" is heard from Quatre's nether region. He grabs his shield and jumps out of bed.

Quatre: Ack! That cannot be! I am sworn to Chastity!

Winston: Back to your bed at once!

Quatre: Torment me no longer! I have seen the Grail!

Piglet: There's no grail here.

Quatre: I have seen it, I have seen it! *he runs through the curtain into another room* I have seen....*he suddenly he looks around, and realizes that this room is filled with young women, all in their nightclothes*

He stumbles through the room, and each women whispers "Hello!" to him. He runs out of the chamber, into a staircase, where he almost runs into someone.

Quatre: Dorothy!

Dorothy: No, I am Dorothy's identical twin sister, Noin.

Quatre: Oh. Well, excuse me, I.. *tries to go by her down the stairs*

Noin: *stands in his way* Where are you going?

Quatre: I seek the Grail! I have seen it, here, in this castle!

Noin: No....oh, no!! Bad, ~bad~ Dorothy!

Quatre: What is it?

Noin: Oh, wicked, bad, ~naughty~ Dorothy! She has been setting a light to our beacon, which, I've just remembered, is grail-shaped. It's not the first time we've had this problem.

Quatre: *disappointed look* It's not the real Grail?!

Noin: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, ~evil~ Dorothy! *leads him back into the room with all the girls in it* She is a ~naughty~ person and she must pay the penalty! And here in Castle Cinq, we have but one punishment for setting alight the grail-shaped beacon: You must tie her down on a bed, and spank her.

Girls: *excited giggles* A spanking, a spanking!

Noin: You must spank her well, and after you have spanked her, you may deal with her as you like. And then--spank me!

Girls: *breathless excitment* And spank me! And me! And me! And me!

Noin: Yes, you must give us all a good spanking!

Girls: A spanking, a spanking, there's going to be a spanking tonight!!

Noin: And after the spanking--the Oral Sex!!

Girls: *squeals of delight* The oral sex, the oral sex!!!

Quatre: Well, I guess I could stay a ~bit~ longer...

At this moment there is a commotion behind and Sir Wufei and two other knights burst into the bathing area with swords drawn and form themselves around Sir Quatre, threatening all the girls.

Wufei: Sir Quatre!

Quatre: Oh...hello.

Wufei: Quick!

Quatre: Why?

Wufei: You are in great peril.

Noin: No he isn't!

Wufei: Silence! Foul temptress!

Quatre: Well, she's got a point.

Wufei: We'll cover your escape!

Quatre: Look, I'm fine!

Girls: Sir Quatre!

Wufei threatens Noin.

Quatre: No. Look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!

Girls: Yes, yes, let him tackle us single-handed!

Wufei: Come Sir Quatre, quickly!

Quatre: No, really, I can cope. I can handle this lot easily!

Noin: Yes, let him handle us easily.

Wufei: No sir! Quick! *he starts pulling Quatre away*

Quatre: No, please. Please! I can defeat them! There's only a hundred.

Girls: *trying to stop the knights* He will beat us easily. We haven't a chance!

Wufei and the other knighs hustle Quatre out of the bathing area and are running through the outside door.

Noin: Oh...Shit!

Wufei: We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril.

Quatre: *dragging his feet* I don't think I was.

Wufei: You were, Sir Quatre, you were in terrible peril.

Quatre: Look, let me go back in there and face the peril?

Wufei: It's too perilous.

Quatre: Look, it's my duty as a knight to try and sample as much peril as I can.

Wufei: No, no, we must find the Grail.

Quatre: Oh, let me go and have a bit of peril?

Wufei: No. It's unhealthy.

Quatre: I bet you're gay.

Wufei: No, I'm not!